A Tea Party with the Espada
by miyaa
Summary: Inoue's just been taken to Hueco Mundo, and Aizen decides that she needs to get acquainted with the Espada! Mayhem and madness ensue. Rated T for Grimmjaw's potty mouth.
1. Tea Rooms and School Outfits

If I owned Bleach, this would be in Japanese... it isn't, so I don't.

Anyway, this is my first attempt at a humor fanfic, which should be very interesting. It's supposed to take place a little bit after Orihime is kidnapped and brought to Hueco Mundo, but before anyone goes to try to rescue her. So, there are possible spoilers for pretty much anything until that point.

Also, this story might end up being a bit disjointed, but I'm going to try my best to keep everything in chronological order so it's not more confusing than it already is. I would tell you other things, but i don't think you're here to read my blather, so on with the story!

--

Ichimaru Gin was grinning.

Actually, that wasn't such a rare occurrence ─ he was always grinning ─ but the fact that he was grinning as he entered one of Aizen-sama's useless tea parties was a little disturbing to several of the Arrancar waiting behind him to get into the meeting room. Grimmjaw Jaguarjaques ─ closest to the door, which was not in standing with his position -was especially put off by Ichimaru's smug refusal to give a decent response to any of his questions. Grimmjaw, however, was notorious for pursuing lost causes.

"Just tell me who, damn you!"

"Why should I? You'll find out soon enough anyway," said Ichimaru snottily, smirking at Grimmjaw.

"An important visitor, and one that I've met before. That bitch Matsu-something?" It was a shot in the dark, but Grimmjaw was getting annoyed.

Ichimaru, grinning, informed him, "Nope! A distinguished guest, remember!"

Grimmjaw glared, not a pretty sight by any means. The other Espada, who had been watching the conversation with mild detachment, now edged into Aizen's tea room. The animosity between Ichimaru and Grimmjaw was infamous for its tendency to end in violence. It was best to avoid the one-sided fights that inevitably broke out when the two bickered.

Grimmjaw, now alone in the corridor, burst out, "I know that! What I wanna know is why this guest is so important that you're actually going to this damn tea party!"

In an irritating, superior tone, Ichimaru beamed, "Orihime-chan has come to visit!" He clapped his hands twice in a manner reminiscent of an excited child, and, beaming, walked into the tearoom.

Grimmjaw blinked. "Eh?"

-- an hour before Aizen's tea meeting --

A loud rap on the door startled Orihime from her thinking. To be honest, she wasn't actually thinking; she was debating nicknames for the various members of the Arrancar that she had met so far.

Admittedly, it was a peculiar way of dealing with the overwhelming stress, but it certainly worked. She had just eliminated Aizen-chin from her list of possible titles for Aizen ─ it just seemed too downright demeaning for someone who had power over the whole of Hueco Mundo ─ when the sharp knocking distracted her.

Orihime wandered over to the door and called, "Come in!" expecting the Espada who called himself Ulquiorra._ I could call him... Ulku-san, maybe?_ The newly christened Ulku-san was, after all, the only one polite enough to knock, and even then, he only knocked occasionally.

It was a bit of a nasty shock when the door flew open and Orihime discovered that the man outside her door was not an Espada at all, but the evil Aizen-chin himself. Orihime, completely surprised, bowed deeply. What else was there to do?

Ignoring her bow, Aizen smiled benignly and presented her with a wire coat hanger.

She blinked twice and stared at the proffered hanger. "Er... what?"

Aizen gave her a slightly less benign grin (a bit frustrated, really) and asked, "May I come in?"

Orihime blinked again, totally confused.

Aizen beamed,"I'll explain it all, but I really need to have a seat. It could take a while."

"Um," stuttered Orihime, staring at the clothing on the hanger, "Why do you have my school uniform?"

The evil overlord of Hueco Mundo sighed. It would definitely take a while to explain his idea to the girl. She had incredible power, yes, but she could be so dimwitted at times. It was quite trying. He began in a weary voice, "You still haven't been introduced to all of my devoted Espada. I have tea every other day at precisely four, and I require all of them to attend to give me updates. I wondered if you would accompany me to tea and in doing so, meet the remainder of my Espada."

Orihime brightened. "Tea? So it's like a captain's meeting in Soul Society, but with tea! I understand. It sounds like fun!"

"So you'll go?" asked Aizen, hoping he didn't sound too much like he was begging.

Orihime nodded her consent.

Aizen sighed with relief - convincing her had been easier than he'd thought - and informed her, "I'd like you to put on your school uniform before we go. I will wait outside while you change."

He turned and started toward the door. A sudden noise from the girl made him turn around in annoyance. She hadn't changed her silly little feminine mind, had she? "What?" snapped the overlord of Hueco Mundo.

"B-but... why? Why my school uniform?" she stuttered, quailing under his decidedly annoyed gaze.

Hesitating, Aizen cast around for anything other than the actual reason. Finally, he hit upon something. "It's much prettier than your current dress, don't you think? The colors suit you better." He dashed out of the room before she could say anything else.

--

Inoue Orihime was a girl of many dispositions, but stupid was not one of them. She merely processed information in a way that would allow her to remain happily oblivious to everything she didn't want to think about until she was absolutely forced to face it. For instance, she was quite aware that Aizen wasn't telling her the whole truth. She simply didn't want to deal with this bit of information at the moment.

So, who was she to be picky? After a week of sitting in her cell doing nothing, she had just been invited to a tea party! Orihime waited until the evil overlord had closed the door and threw on her school uniform, wearing a slightly manic grin. She hoped they had pepper in Hueco Mundo. Tea was never as good without it.

--

Well, there's the first bit. Opinions are appreciated.


	2. Moldy Teeth and Chai

Hi there, anyone who's still reading! For your information, Aizen may have caught wind of my secret video cameras (how did you think I was getting all this information?), so there was an extended break. Aizen offers you no apologies, but I wish you my own sincerest.

To everyone who reviewed: thanks a ton! Orihime wants you to know that peppered tea is almost as excellent as pepper chocolate. Also, you are my heroes.

Well, without further ado: onto the story!

----0--0----

The Espada sat around an elongated grey table, nursing glasses of cinnamon-scented tea and trying their best to stay awake until Aizen arrived. Aizen was almost forty-five seconds late, which never happened. The mysterious visitor must truly have been important for Aizen to risk missing even a minute of one of his precious tea parties. Not that any of the Espada cared. To relieve boredom, Aaroniero, the ninth Espada, was trying on ridiculous faces. To the amusement of Grimmjaw, the other Espada seemed to be terribly annoyed by this stunt. Nnoitra, in particular, kept making not-so-subtle comments about a death and destruction.

"Oh, shut it, plate-head," Grimmjaw told Nnoitra when said plate-head had made a particularly nasty comment about poison in the tea. "You're just jealous."

Aaroniero, now wearing the face of an old geezer, nodded emphatically. As he opened his mouth to speak, a couple of blackened teeth fell from the mouth of the old man Aaroniero was now posing as. The Espada looked away politely. Wonderwice sighed vacantly and stared at the slit of light that peeked through the open door.

Disgusted, Yami looked to Gin and begged, "Can I hit him? Please?"

"Which one?" snapped a suddenly irate Grimmjaw.

At the same instant, Gin beamed, "Wait until our guest gets here!"

Grimmjaw and Yami scowled ferociously. Gin beamed at them all. Ten terribly silent minutes passed. The Espada were (unsurprisingly) frightened of grinning clowns.

Another ten minutes went by, and now the only one still awake was Wonderwice, who was drooling happily in Tousen's lap, enjoying the warm, cinnamony aura of the planning room. A blast of cold air came through the door as one of the attendants exited, bearing empty tea glasses, and the man whose lap Wonderwice was currently borrowing suddenly shifted. Wonderwice, pouting, looked up at Tousen's face and discovered with interest that his mentor appeared to be asleep.  
Wonderwice scooted up and peered intently at the man's dark glasses for an instant, then escaped from his lap to chase a colorful hollow-lizard that was creeping determinedly along the wall.

Tousen, worrying ferociously about the justice of kidnapping Orihime-san and bringing her to Hueco Mundo, barely noticed when Wonderwice tumbled out of his chair. Gin grinned and went back to sleep.

Five minutes later, the door to the meeting room swung open, and Aizen ushered Orihime into the dimly lit room. Wonderwice scrambled through the door in hot pursuit of the hollow-lizard, which was now scrambling determinedly away from quite possibly the scariest thing it had ever seen.

----0--0----

"Haauumn," sighed Wonderwice, looking glumly for the lizard he'd chased here. He was in a room – quite a large room, actually, as compared to Wonderwice's usual quarters in Tousens' closet. Still, the problem remained that there were no bugs for him to chase, and the door he had followed the colorful lizard through had mysteriously vanished.

Wonderwice pouted and put his thumb to his lips. He sat as still as possible, waiting anxiously for the neon hollow-lizard to come back.

A moment later, a bird flew past the barred window. Eyes alight with interest, Wonderwice reached for the little hollow-creature, intent on examining its bizarre mask.

As he reached, a crackling red Cero blasted from his outstretched hand. The wall disintegrated, and the three bars from the window clattered to the floor. "Ehhn?" wondered Wonderwice. He looked bemusedly at his hand, which was still sparkling cheerfully with red light. Thoughtfully, he reached out again. Another blast, this time purple, exploded from his hand, and a second wall crumbled.

A horde of little golden hollow-bugs burst out of the rubble and scrambled towards the open air as fast as their tiny legs could carry them. Wonderwice snatched a few and examined them with all the air of a professional etymologist.

The Arrancar girl who had been sweeping in the next room squeaked in surprise when she saw the freckled, babyish Arrancar blowing rather large holes in the castle. She promptly ran down the hallway to notify Aizen.

Wonderwice crawled over to her abandoned broom and gnawed happily on the handle.


End file.
